So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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