I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
