Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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