my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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