I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
