You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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