I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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