One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
