i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
