Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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