mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
