Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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