I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize