I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
