My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
