Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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