i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
