She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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