It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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