I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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