You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
