i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
