Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
