My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
