proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
