My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
