You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
