Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
