I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
