my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
