I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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