in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
