9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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