She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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