I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
