I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
