My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize