mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize