my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
