She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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