He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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