Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
