Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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