And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
