i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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