What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
