Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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