he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
