you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
