I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize