wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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