she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
