im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
