I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
