I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize