Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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