Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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