I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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