Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
