I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
why is half of my head shaved?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
