Betty ford says i'm here all night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
