I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
