I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
