Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
