im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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