i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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