And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
