I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
