Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
