3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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